Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Happy Earth Day To You! Happy Earth Day To You!

It's not easy being green ... and that's why I don't even try. I figure if I don't have the power to create this world, then I probably don't have a shot at destroying it either.

Ways I Plan to Celebrate Earth Day

Use My New Al Gore Washing Machine
I don't pander to advertisers on this site because, well, I don't HAVE advertisers. Does the Washington Post have ads on its front page? The NY Times? Wall Street Journal? That's right -- and if they can squeak by without them, then so can I. Think of this as an online Consumer Reports, unmarred by the influence of the mighty dollar and whorish sponsorships. It is with absolute objectivity that I can report that I have found what may well be the greatest invention since Toaster Strudels. And just in time for Earth Day!

It seems as if the Spirit of Al Gore himself somehow entered my home in the middle of SEVEN LOADS OF LAUNDRY over the weekend and breathed all kinds of toxins and bad juju upon what he perceives as an energy-sucking, water-using washing machine and made it die. Just like that. I was very sad.

Fast forward: I jumpstarted the economy by investing a lot of money in the Cadillac of washing machines and am now the proud owner of a Whirlpool Cabrio (see photo), which allows me to wash twice the volume of clothes with half the water and, theoretically, half the detergent. Open the lid, and it's like staring down into the Grand Canyon. According to our sales associate and the owner's manual, I can wash 25 bath towels in one load--if I owned 25 bath towels. So, instead, I stand in front of the new machine and shout, "Give me what you got!" I'll take it all -- bedspreads, bath towels, king-size sheets, bring it on.

Find Me Some Carbon Credits!

While I am proud to have this energy-efficient, minimal-water-using washing machine, I do not own its energy-efficient, minimal-electricity-using companion of a dryer because I AM NOT INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY. So the monstrous load of clean, wet clothes must be divided in half to be dried, thereby creating TWO loads to be dried. So I am looking into buying some carbon credits, as Al Gore has reportedly done. If your carbon footprint looks like it was made by Sasquatch, as mine does, maybe it's time to face facts and ease the guilt. Oh, wait. I don't have any guilt. Sort of my own little inconvenient truth.

Pictured at right: Al Gore in his home office in Nashville. This home office is located in the same home that allegedly generates a $30,000/year utility bill. I'm just saying... That's an awful lot of paper he has stacked about. And paper comes from trees ... (photo credit: Time Magazine)

Listen to Kevin Bacon Tell Me How to Save the World

I would listen to just about anything Kevin Bacon has to say. He could stand in my kitchen and jabber on about carbon footprints and global warming for all I care. I would be One Captive Audience. Fortunately for me, he's part of the lineup here, where you can learn more about Earth Day 2008 events around the world. Providing further green-living inspiration and Earth Day cheer are such notables as Chevy Chase and Zack Braff.

Hop Aboard the Earth Day Party Train!

What's an Earth Day party without styrofoam cups and aerosol cans of Silly String? We have landfills to fill, you know.

Happy Earth Day, everyone. Go do something responsible...