Monday, April 07, 2008

I've Never Understood Polygamy

What goes on in the mind of someone like Warren Jeffs?

The Mormons, as a group, denounced polygamy 100 years ago, but as I understand it, he and his family broke apart from the church and among his first orders of business as leader of the new church was to bring it back. Why is this so important to him? Of all the social conflicts he could create by twisting Scripture, why this one? He's only hurting himself. And his numerous wives and children. And the many generations that follow.

I know my husband loves me, but would he love, say, 10 of me? I think not. Anniversaries would be complete NIGHTMARES, when and if he remembered them.

"Wait, I thought you were the one who LIKED to stay in and watch movies."
"What do you mean you prefer roses to daisies?"
"Since when are you allergic to shellfish?"
"Oh, for heaven's sake! I thought your ears were PIERCED!"

We have four kids, and I know Craig loves each one. But would he love 40? He might, but not very well. Or, at least, he would have troubles. He barely keeps up with the dance and piano recitals we have. And the 40 birthdays would certainly pose a problem.

"I distinctly remember that you were born in July. Weren't you? Well, eat this delicious cake anyway."
"You want a pony? I gave you a pony LAST year! Didn't I?"
"Well, I don't know if you should have an extra scoop of ice cream. Go ask your mother. By the way, which one is she?"

Then there's the issue of yard work and general home maintenance. I've always said I would make a terrible ex-wife, but I think I would make an even worse "multiple wife," if that makes any sense. Oh, the jealousy and comparisons!

"You mean to tell me that she has a built-in DISHwasher?"
"I thought you mowed her lawn LAST Saturday."
"Why does SHE get new countertops? I've put up with your nonsense a LOT longer than SHE has."

When family vacation time rolled around, he would have to take time off from work for the entire SUMMER.

"Come on, kids! We're going to the Grand Canyon!"
"OK, everyone out of the van. Next group: Panama City or bust!"
"Where did I say we were going? Niagara Falls? Allrighty by me!"

And imagine the competition among that many moms who shared my husband. I think I would have to leave the compound in the dark of night and head straight for a crack den.
"So, what is YOUR son's baseball average?"
"I saw that YOUR daughter wasn't on the honor roll."
"My kids are so smart, I just can't keep up with them!"

Here's a twist, Warren Jeffs, you crazy fart: How about a reversal of polygamy as we know it? Maybe women (and I'm not talking about myself) could choose to have multiple husbands -- one who cooks, another who cleans, one who takes care of the kids all day, another who clears out the occasional dead mouse or snake, one who books exotic vacations, another who is handy with power tools and lawn implements. And all think their collective wife is the most brilliant person they have ever met.

You'll probably find lots of husbands and wives over at