Tuesday, April 01, 2008

So Much Crap, So Little Time

Editor's Note: I'll continue College Road Trip: 20 Years Later tomorrow, or the next day. I promise to make it worth your while, as I'm counting on the former "band members" to continue adding their two cents' worth. (Lisa! Where ARE you???) But we have a more pressing matter to address.

I'm three months into blogging, and I have but one thing to say: So Much Crap, So Little Time. As with everything else in this life, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS CAREFULLY. I visit my favorite blogs DAILY and occasionally browse through comments in search of talented friends-in-law. Whoa, Nellie! Frightening people are ALL around us!

Just this morning, one friend-in-law seemed promising -- I read one of his comments on one of my favorite blogs, saw that his blog title was clever, found his comments dead-on hysterical. But THEN, I paid a little visit to his blog, and quickly exited and went to Confession. And I'm not even Catholic. Then I gouged out my eyes.

Blogging in this decade is what desktop publishing was to the '90s. Ten or 15 years ago, EVERYbody was an overnight graphic designer because they had PageMaker and a computer. (Those with deeper pockets bought Quark.) Now, free and easy access to blog sites has revealed either the writer or the PERVERT in WAY too many people.

I have a power drill and a miter saw in my garage, but I've never used either. If you own a computer, you don't HAVE to use it. Does that make me a snob? You bet your boots it does! I am a Blog Snob. Everyone, including myself, has off days, when the words don't flow, the ideas crumble. I'm not talking about writer's block. I'm talking about straight-up rule-breaking.

When bloggers should walk away from the computer:
• when their kids have diarrhea
• when they feel inclined to use four-letter words in EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE
• when they don't have much to say
• when they're feeling unlucky in love and have a few dirty pictures on hand

I'm not STUPID. I know how to filter out the obviously bad stuff and how to avoid most of the crap. It's the surprises that tick me off. If I go searching for a funny or enlightening post to start or end my day, I don't want to be blindsided by pornography or creative pairings of dirty words. Or worse, BAD WRITING.

Years ago, my grandfather and his wife went to the theater to see "Something About Mary." (I know -- funny movie.) Fifteen minutes into the movie, he left his seat, went to the lobby and asked for the manager, who was about 12. He told him that he would like his money back. The manager asked what the problem was. And here's what my grandfather said, "Son, if the good Lord came back and found me watching this, I just don't know what I would tell Him."

He got his money back.