Monday, May 26, 2008

I'm Here for You...and Eager to Help

Back in my newspaper days, my friend Greg made this observation: "Hey, all of your stories end in a phone number." I pointed out that my stories were helpful and guided people to resources, organizations and other people who could help further a cause or provide personal assistance of some sort. So stop being so critical and go to a courthouse or something, I told him.

And while Greg was WRONG that "all" of my stories ended in a phone number, I will admit that as a features writer, I relied heavily on the angle that hey, I'm here to help put you in touch with people you can help or people who can help you. Because if you're not helping someone in some way, then what's the point?

The tradition continues in a bloggish sort of way. A recent review of my blog traffic revealed that I remain a source of relevant and useful information. A variety of searches led inquiring minds directly to this site. I hope that I was successful in imparting some nuggets of wisdom that helped make their day, helped finish a school project, helped cure a common illness or calmed a few worries about certain celebrities.

They may not have known where they were going, but they knew they had some burning questions that Google would help them find. In just under 100 posts in the history of this blog, the following Top 7 searches, IN ORDER, continue to blaze a trail to yours truly:

* Bret Michaels' girlfriend/former girlfriends of Bret Michaels
* Drake's Coffee Cake/Seinfeld recipes
* Foods that make you sick/what to eat to make you sick
* Al Gore toilet
* Cindy McCain's brewery
* Kathie Lee's wardrobe
* Florida cheerleaders/cheerleader attack/etc. Oh, my! The quest for more information about the cheerleaders may NEVER end. Many Googlers even ask for them by name, especially that Brittini Hardcastle. They're out for blood.

Less frequent, but equally intriguing, are the following searches:
* A couple of weirdos in the U.K. are on the prowl and searching for a 24-hour peep room. I doubt my Peep Show was what they were looking for, but they did return a couple of times to check out the creative Peeps.
* A fellow Muncho fan asked this of Google: Who sells Muncho chips? I hope I pointed him/her in the right direction.
* "Purposely painful thong." Why, oh why, someone researched this in the first place, I do not know. I would have never thought my name would be associated with a "purposely painful thong," but there you go.

If you landed here and didn't find what you were looking for, perhaps you could contact the following...

Frito-Lay (Munchos): (800)352-4477
Kohler (Al Gore toilets): (800) 456-4537
Victoria's Secret (thongs): (800) 970-1109
Drake's Cakes (Drake's Coffee Cake): (800) 483-7253
Hensley & Co. (Cindy McCain's brewery): visit www.abwholesaler.com/hensley (BTW, Cindy McCain doesn't WORK at the brewery like LaVerne DeFazio; she is chairman of the board. She is very elegant and tasteful.)
Today Show: don't bother looking for a phone number; e-mail instead to today@msnbc.com
VH-1 & MTV Networks (Bret Michaels): apparently, these entities don't use phones, so check out http://www.vh1.com/ to learn more; and go ahead and clear your calendar for about 2 1/2 hours; lots of fun stuff to see and hear; nobody has to know.

(Sorry -- no contact information for the 24-hour peep room. You're on your own. Dirty boy.)