Things I Do When My Husband Takes My Minivan Out of Town for Five Days and Leaves Me With His VW Passat:
1. Drive his car like I'm 16 again. It's a much sweeter ride than the Chevy Uplander. (This is a stock image of the 2003 VW Passat. We do not live on Cape Cod.)
2. Listen to the Bee Gees Greatest Hits at a volume level of about 19. And change his radio station settings. All of them.
3. Visit the Starbucks drive-through at 6:15 a.m. Now his car stinks like Starbucks.
4. Toss dirty napkins and bank receipts on his floorboard, as if it were the Chevy Uplander.
5. Let the kids eat Baked Cheetos in his backseat, where they now store their rock collection.
Very Specific Things I Did on Friday While My Husband Was Still Out of Town and the Kids Were at School and I Had Finished ALL MY WORK for the Week:
1. Taught my dog new tricks with Froot Loops.
2. Filled cardboard boxes with stuff that nobody will ever miss. Put boxes in the garage, where they will sit until the next garage sale, or for seven years, whichever comes first.
3. Started to make cookies.
4. Decided against it. Dug through the kids' Easter baskets for Hershey Kisses instead.
5. Called my sister and told her a funny story about Gene Simmons.
6. Read about Earth Hour, which will be celebrated today between 8 and 9 p.m. Is Al Gore behind this? Decided that our family doesn't qualify, as we don't have light switches or "off" buttons on any major appliances or electronics.
7. E-mailed MORE baby names to my sister, who thinks September is, like, TOMORROW.
8. Answered a phone call from someone who wants to boast that she is at home with a sick kid and can therefore rub her eyes because she isn't wearing eye makeup.
Find out what other bored people do on their off days over at humor-blogs.com ...