Friday, August 15, 2008

All Sorts of Stuff (Friday Roundup)

(If I ate 10,000 calories a day, I wouldn't look like this. photo by Sean M. Haffey/Union-Tribune)

These Olympics Are Making Me Tired ... At a local coffee shop Wednesday night, I overheard a group of overweight teachers complaining about the first few days of school and all that they had dealt with. Then one of them summed it all up, as an apology of sorts for her mood: "I'm not getting much sleep. These Olympics are making me tired."
In other Olympic news, I think that if I were a male swimmer not named "Phelps" in Beijing, I wouldn't bother getting out of bed. In fact, I think I would make plans to stay in my hotel room all day and eat Doritos.

(Is he yawning in the Olympic pool? photo by Doug Mills/New York Times)
Don't you agree that Michael Phelps is beginning to look a little bored?

Better Than a Mint ... Lookie what I found on my pillow one night in June! That's right -- the latest David Sedaris book! Don't know why I haven't bragged about this until now. Sedaris is clearly in a mid-life crisis, and this collection of essays brings that mid-life angst to the forefront, sometimes pushing his funny family to the background. But that's OK. He's entitled.

I must be getting older myself. While reading a couple of the chapters, I thought, and even said aloud, "What a ripoff! I've read this before somewhere! Did he just remanufacture some of these?"

"No. You heard him read them IN PERSON when we went to his 'concert'."

"Oh. I thought they sounded familiar." I really should do something about this memory of mine. And another thing: I really should do something about this memory of mine.

And while we're on the subject of book recommendations ... if you are either winding down your summer or wondering what to do in that empty house of yours while the kids are in school, check out Free for All by Don Borchert. You wouldn't think a book about working in a public library would be funny, but you would be wrong.

It's a Major Award ... Mosey on over here to make yourself feel better about misplaced keys, ridiculous gas prices and anything your kids may have put you through recently. At the end of the story, you will see why I am humbled beyond words by a most recent award.

It's the weekend, and it's still summer. Take a swim, read a good book, smile as your kids abuse you ...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Pearls? Diamonds? A Frosty, Perhaps?

This is about what the media isn't telling us.

Thanks to ABC News, we have a timeline of events that led to a complete unraveling of a political career. Read on ...

2006: Sen. John Edwards meets Rielle Hunter, a self-described filmmaker, at a bar in New York City. (Editor's note: It has come to light that Hunter had almost no prior filmmaking experience when she met Edwards. Kudos to her for getting the job anyway. My friend, Evelyn, once interviewed for a bartending job in Atlanta because she desperately needed money. The fact that she didn't have any bartending experience whatsoever didn't faze her. She told the manager that she was greatly experienced and that she would be an asset to the establishment. She spent the weekend before her first Monday on the job reading bartending books in the library. She kept that job for a very, very long time. I'm a big fan of such self-assuredness.)
Aug. 2, 2006: "Plane Truth," the first of a series of Web documentaries, or "Webisodes," chronicling Edwards' course on the campaign trail -- produced by newly hired Hunter and commissioned by Edwards' political action committee -- is taped. (Editor's note: 'Webisode' is not, and should not be, a word.)
Aug. 4, 2006: The second Webisode, "Golden Rule," is taped.
Late September to early October 2006: "Plight of Uganda" episode taped in Kitgum, Uganda.
Nov. 14, 2006: The fourth Webisode, "The Plug," is taped in New York City and airs on Comedy Central's "The Daily Show."
Dec. 28, 2006: Edwards announces that he will run for president in 2008.
Early 2007: The Webisodes are removed from Edwards' Web site.
March 22, 2007: Elizabeth Edwards announces during a news conference in Chapel Hill, N.C., that her cancer has returned and while it is treatable, it is not curable. (Editor's note: John was there. Was he listening at ALL?)
July 31, 2007: Elizabeth and John Edwards celebrate their 30th anniversary at their local Wendy's.
Oct. 10, 2007: The National Enquirer reports that Edwards ... STOP! We interrupt this program to say, "Hey, ABC, you buried the lead!" Back, back, back it up.

"Elizabeth and John Edwards celebrate their 30th anniversary at their local Wendy's."

This is not to knock Wendy's or poorly planned anniversary celebrations. I appreciate the Super Value Menu as much as the next guy, and I personally have been involved in some of the most lackluster anniversaries you could imagine. Some were downright bad. But I'll have to hand the award for Worst Anniversary Ever to Elizabeth Edwards.

How does such a dinner HAPPEN?

"I know I've cheated and that I've lied about it and that I'm worth more than $30 million and that you have cancer and that I could buy you anything in the world and that you've put up with my crap and my hair for 30 years ... Maybe a Frosty will lift your spirits?"

Elizabeth thinks it over, puts down her magazine and says, "You know what? You're right, John! I think a Frosty and an Old-Fashioned Hamburger might be just the ticket!"

I don't know how, or even IF, a gracious and intelligent person like Elizabeth Edwards could settle the score, but I do hope she at least had the good sense to toss a horse laxative into his stuffed baked potato.